All the bullshit going on in my mind

I needed a place to write, easy like that.
I actually just need to tell myself about myself. And it will be nice to compare in the future, am I going to survive?
Survive what? life? just like that.. Well not just like that.
Will you survive a crazy life with a mix of college, two different jobs (including night shifts), no money (budget of 70 euros to buy at H&M), a post break up, a feeling that the one will never appear. Can I be smart, trendy, fashion, loved? Or is it too much for somebody who is struggling to survive in this crazy world of changes in this different country called the Netherlands?
Yes, there is this plus. I moved to this country almost two years ago, and I live here alone. This makes things a little bit harder. But it is my favourite part of all. I love this place, and to move here changed my life, from a fucked up girl from the countryside of a country in development to somebody with great opportunities to make life more pleasant.
I love fashion. But to be fashion can be harder for me for two main reasons. first of all money. I didn`t grow up with a lot of resources available for me to spend. I had few from my parents. Now that I am focusing in my education, I also don`t have the right to spend on that yet. Second, the natural trendy talent. I try hard. I like it very much, I read Vogue as much as possible.. all those things.. but I have the feeling it takes time for me to get there. But I am happy with my improvements.
My studies are cool. I love it. kind of business, management. Everybody studies this here. I think at least it will give be a wide range of job opportunities in the future.
Oh yes, I didn`t said yet that i am totally future focused. Unfortunately. I would like to live in the present. I would like to spend all my money in the new Mango summer collection, and think about tomorrow tomorrow. I would like to be in a relationship without thinking if my boyfriend will be a good father. Stupid han? Are women like that, or am I thinking too much with my head in the 50`s?
At the same time I hate all that crap. Why would I like to get married and have stupid children? I better have a career!
And then I get emotional again, and think that relationships, friends makes al the sense in life.
Ok, back to hear, today, my crazy life of crappy jobs, clothes and boys.
I have a busy busy week, final exams. Then I will have the summer, and all the time to discuss with myself all this issues.